


dear percy,

by HEARTBROKEN



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: F/M, NICO CAN SHADOW-TRAVEL LONG DISTANCES SHUT UP, Self Harm, Sorry!, hES MY BABY AND THIS IS MY FIC I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT, like literally so depressing, mentioned/implied suicide, nico centric, no happy ending, percico centric, this is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-05-13 04:42:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5695195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HEARTBROKEN/pseuds/HEARTBROKEN
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>an apology letter to the perfect one, from the worst possible person to ever exist.</p>
<p>[lowercase intended, sorry.]</p>
<p>"i'm about to say something that i never will ever confirm or admit to, this is it.<br/>sit down, don't drink anything, and stay away from anything breakable. this one might actually blow your mind.<br/>if you haven't figured it out yet, this is nico di angelo. (aka the worst excuse for a person ever.)"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i read something like this for a completely different fandom and it made me sooo emotional. i loved the concept, and it sounded perfect for percico. so here we are. criticism is encouraged!

_percy jackson -_

 

_first of all, i am apologizing for being an absolute total and complete asshole and the worst person ever to exist. if you haven't figured out who i am yet, then you are truly the kindest person on this entire planet. cut the act jackson, you know who i am._

_i'm so nervous right now, i swear i never even send any of these stupid apologies anyway. so, why am i so scared every time? ugh, pathetic.  
_

_i'm going to tell you a little story._

_it was some sort of crisp june morning. you'd arrived at camp (finally) and words couldn't express how happy i was to even see you, or the back of your head really because you barely even noticed me that day anyway._

_i can remember it clearly, you sneaking up behind annabeth and scaring her, making her slap you by reflex and then kissing you simply because she just loved you._

_i honestly never had anything against annabeth. she's honestly the most amazing woman i've ever met in my entire life and i'm happy you found her._

_ever since that day, or most of that month really, i haven't been the same person. i was sick of the both of you, sick of your sickeningly cute relationship - i was done._

_i grew cold. i was so mean to her. i called her things like bitch, slut, narcissistic, nerd, freak, ugly, stupid - and i can't go on without you and her knowing that i never meant any of the words i said, i was just so hurt and broken that nothing ever made sense at all and wow i'm literally hyperventilating at this, wow._

_and yeah, this was about the time i started self-harm. but lets not talk about that, yeah?_

_i'm about to say something that i never will ever confirm or admit to, this is it._

_sit down, don't drink anything, and stay away from anything breakable. this one might actually blow your mind._

_if you haven't figured it out yet, this is nico di angelo. (aka the worst excuse for a person ever.)_

_and everyone thought that i liked annabeth because of all the jealousy stares i gave the two of you. but, i was never jealous of you. don't get me wrong, annabeth is gorgeous... she's just not really... my type? as you might say?_

_i may of may not have had a small crush.. ~~whoamikiddingiwasinlovewithyouandistillam~~ on you.  
and it wasn't even like most girls crushes, or boys for that matter - it wasn't sexual in the slightest. i really freaking ~~loved~~ liked you and it hurt like hell every day. it still does, six years later._

_i can remember the last night i saw annabeth. it was rainy, cold, and it even hailed that day in late november. i'd really overdone it. i tripped her and called her a freak while laughing, and that was the last straw for you. she was crying and you were kissing her tears away and i felt like dying ~~because that's all i ever wanted~~. you told me to fuck myself, or jump off of several bridges. i shadow-traveled away at the last second before i crumbled._

_i shadow traveled to some abandoned cabin in the woods that was for some reason quite close to a few bridges. when i got there it must have been in a different timezone because it was pitch dark. somehow i managed to drag my frail being over the edge, but i wasn't paying attention and i swear it was an accident but i shadow traveled again. i went to athens and pulled myself together, gathering all the strength possible before i went back._

_you hit me when i did show up, two weeks later. you beat me up and everyone let you because i just deserved it._  
_you forbid me from even breathing in her general direction and told me you'd slit my throat if i did._

_then you said you hated me over and over and over and over again and i wanted to crush all of the bones in my body so i could melt into the ground because you really did and i'd given you every reason to._

_so i'm taking this time to say that i'm **so fucking sorry and you'll never understand how much guilt i live with every single fucking day** ~~because you love her and i love you but so does she and she makes you happy, which is all i really wanted.~~_

_the last time i saw you was six months later. you were absolutely done with me being in your life and you just started yelling and yelling and you didn't stop._

  
_"you're so fucking dumb! why do you exist?! why are you still here?! fucking leave already, you stupid piece of shit! you're nothing but a piece of shit!" and eventually, you slowed down. i guess it's because you saw me start to cry. it wasn't even a sob, i'd held up a mask for too long to let that slip.  
_

_you stopped and turned away. you ran your shaking, blood covered, calloused fingers through your hair, and started to turn around but i was too heartbroken to look into your eyes ever again._

_i said "i'm so sorry..." and i don't even know if you ever heard it._

_that was the last thing that happened before i shadow-traveled to some place in northern california._  
_i ended up not being able to cope with myself and the monster i became, so i picked up self harm._

_i don't feel anything anymore. i have a small apartment that i got by selling my body to the landlord. i spend my days spending money from drunk, broken, and lonely boys and girls like me who just want some fun._

_and then you sent me a wedding invitation. it felt like this huge "fuck you, we're happy and you're such a pathetic loser hahahaha!" so, of course i didn't go. but, i admit. that was kind of mean for me not to. i'm sorry, but i couldn't._

_i miss you. i really do. even when you beat me up it was still better than pretending not to have ever heard of "percy jackson- aka the hottest demigod ever" when i hear the gossip from the a pair of demigod sisters i see occasionally. small town, and i think they can sense that i'm the son of the ass- so they talk freely around me. i think they're daughters of aphrodite, and they look like twins. hey, maybe you know them?  
_

_i really did love you._  
_i really did need you so fucking much._  
_i really did hate myself._  
_i still don't own a single mirror, camera, or any reflective surface. i wouldn't be able to look_ _at myself._  
_i didn't feel anything for so long, then my drug dealer got arrested. (yes, i did drugs.)_  
_so now, i'm still stuck with these feelings for you and all of these dumb emotions that i can't handle._

_so, i have decided that by this time next week, i'll be a dead corpse in my bathtub, which no one will ever find._

_percy jackson. i'm sorry. i'm so so so so sosososososososo sorry for absolutely everything and i still miss you like hell._

_i love you? i don't know anymore. but yeah, i really do love you and i'm more sorry than you'll ever understand.  
_

_\- nico "trash" di angelo._


	2. the unexplainable angst that consumes percy jackson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> percy jackson's reaction to nico di angelo's suicide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was unplanned, but it's happening due to popular request.

it had been a deceivingly peaceful tuesday morning. annabeth, percy, and their twins maya and noah had just gotten back from an early morning dog walk. their dog, sammy, was a blue healer who ironically was horrible at healing. their walks were always a struggle to move forward, with annabeth getting maya and noah to move, and percy trying to help sammy to stop sniffing everything that wasn't grass. but, their family was perfect and percy couldn't have been happier.  
  
it was then when a police officer approached their doorstep. annabeth and percy left their children to throw cereal at each other and walked to the door. they hadn't had a clue what this was about, so they weren't too scared for what was to come.  
  
it was annabeth who opened the door, percy on her side.  
  
"good morning officer collins. can i help you?"  
  
"good morning to you as well. i'm officer i'm hoping so. i need you to identify a body for me if that's okay with you. i think you might know him."  
  
percy swallowed. "yeah, of course." not like he hadn't seen a dead body before. nothing new. but why them?  
  
officer collins held out the picture. it took percy a moment, but once be recognized him, all of the oxygen mysteriously vaporized from his lungs. annabeth had the pleasure of not knowing who it was.  
  
"i'm sorry, i don't know him." annabeth said, smiling with her facial expression curious.  
  
"i do. annabeth, can you go check on the twins please?"  
  
she got the clue that percy didn't want her to know, and left; closing the door behind her. percy and officer collins were now alone on the porch step.  
  
"that's nico di angelo… god i haven't seen him in years. we looked for him for a while. where was he?" percy said, his eyes studying how nico had changed.  
  
he looked older. his eyes were darker, a gloomier shade to them. his hair had gotten longer. the bags under his eyes had gotten incredibly darker and he looked as if he had had thousands of thoughts weighing him down.  
  
"he's in northern california. god, this has been the hardest case that i have ever worked. you know, his landlord didn't know his name? and apparently he had never paid rent- so there was no way to identify him that way. we caught the landlord in a few lies by the way, his name's joe edlund, and we're arresting him. nico paid him in prostitution, and that's illegal in cali- but anyway. then no one in town new his name, and if he did give them one, it was all different. it was crazy, i'm telling you. so we dug through his apartment and found a bunch of letters addressed to a "percy." so we searched for every percy, perseus, everyone. you're the twenty-third person that we've tried,forty-four on the list of men around your age with the name of percy."  
  
"wow..." percy whispered. this was a lot to take in. nico, killed himself, sold his body instead of paying rent, and wrote letters to him?  
  
"anyways, we were wondering if you could  give us the name and number of any family. unless he has none, and then we need to speak to you about burial, inheritance, things like that."  
  
percy had to think for a moment before he could remember hazel. his half sister, barely related through a God, but they were still technically related. just like every child of hades/pluto, but she was the only one who even pretended to care, even for a little while before nico turned into an asshat.  
  
"yeah, hazel levesque. she lives around here, they're half siblings through their father. i've got her number here."  
  
he wrote down the number in officer collin's phone as he prepared to leave,  
  
"thanks for all this. just about saved my life. oh, and about those letters, here they are." collins handed him a bag of sloppily folded and wrinkled papers, and then handed him a separate one that was in an envelope. "i've read all of them, they're all just fragments of apologies. tragic letters, really. the only complete one is the one inside of the envelope. they all pretty much say the same thing. anyway, good luck with that. i'll be in contact, most likely."  
  
"thank you officer! bye!" percy waved, rushing back inside to the back porch before annabeth asked him anything. he wanted to read this letter alone.  
  
and he did.  
  
 

* * *

  
  
percy jackson did not leave the house for the next week. he did not show up for work, he did not feel anything, he did not say anything after day three, and he did not eat anything.  
  
on day three, annabeth had to leave. she understood exactly what percy needed, as she always had. she took maya and noah to piper and jason's, lettng percy grieve however he chose without scaring the children. percy never deserved a person as truly wonderful as her, especially after all the horrible things like this.  
  
on day six, percy had finally answered a phone call. he had received them from just about every single person that he'd ever met, nico's death turning out to be worldwide news to demigods. he had about 183 unread voicemails from everybody he'd ever met. he was feeling up to hearing something that particular second, so he answered the call.  
  
it apparently was from piper. it took a few seconds and a mumbled "what?" and a few"no way,"'s, but she finally screamed. "oh my gods! he picked up! percy picked up!" percy could hear a bunch of clattering and then jason's voice entering the room. "jase, he picked up. how do i add people to this?"  
  
"shit, really? oh fuck okay," jason said, and percy could hear the buttons being pushed. it rang for a while but soon he was in a conference call with hazel and annabeth added to it.  
  
"percy! love, i've been so worried-"  
  
"oh my gods i have to tell him about the trip-"  
  
"mate there's something you should kno-" they all stammered over each other, without taking breaths in between, and percy felt way too overwhelmed.  
  
"hey guys..." his voice croaked out. it sounded way more broken than he meant it.  
  
everybody was was quiet. dead silent. jason was the first one to break it.  
  
"percy, i'm so sorry. i can't imagine how you must feel, but you have to know that it's not your fault. but you should also know that i knew..."  
  
percy was silent for a moment. "knew what, that he was in love with me or that he was going to kill himself?"  
  
"that he loved you, cupid made him tell me. but he made me swear not to tell you and he also told me that he was over you. i swear i didn't know anything about this."  
  
percy stayed silent.  
  
hazel was the next one to speak. "i'm flying out tomorrow. i have your ticket and i've been trying to reach you this whole time, sorry it's so last minute, i can come over now and help you pack?"  
  
percy sighed. "okay."  
  
somebody started crying. he knew immediately that it was annabeth. "i'm so sorry perce, i feel so awful, i can't imagine how you must feel. but you have to remember that this isn't your fault. okay?"  
  
"but it is." percy said blankly. "i broke the damn kid. i didn't care enough to ask him if he was okay, and he wasn't. i should have. i saw him breaking, i noticed a few times of his hurt but i didn't care in the slightest, so tell me how this wasn't murder? i killed him."  
  
"percy it's not true-"  
  
"no,-"  
  
"you did not-"  
  
"it's not yo-"  
  
and then he hung up.  
  
 

* * *

  
  
hazel arrived in another half an hour, or so percy thought. he stayed on the couch, staring at his dry cereal and their fish, thompson, swim around the bowl while hazel packed his things. when she was done, she came into the living room and sat in the chair and stared at percy.  
  
"you need to shower."  
  
"i need to apologize to nico."  
  
"but for now, all you can do is shower."  
  
percy looked up at her, tears welling in her eyes. she normally glowed, with her radiant smile and personality, but she looked broken for her half brother. the radiance had faded and her eyes were too dark. percy wondered how he looked.  
  
she helped him up and into the bath, turning on the shower for him.  
  
he probably showered for an hour, the soap scrubbing away the dirt as well as his walls. he started sobbing fifteen minutes through, and didn't stop for another forty five. but he got himself out, shaved, and dressed in some clean sweats that hazel had neatly set out for him.  
  
he looked at the time for the first time in days and discovered that it was 9:34. hazel left him a note saying that she had gone home and would return at 5:30 to wake him up for their flight, so he decided to go to sleep.  
  
 

* * *

  
  
hazel stayed true to her word. she was there the next morning at 5:34, shaking percy awake. annabeth was behind her.  
  
percy sat up and opened his eyes and sighed. "morning sleepyhead." annabeth whispered, afraid of her husband.  
  
"goodmorning," he croaked out, opening his arms up and embracing her.  
  
 they embraced for a while. percy's heart felt smaller, but just being here with annabeth made him feel better. he loved her that way. she was there for him, and he was there for her. he wouldn't trade it for the world.  
  
annabeth drove them to the airport. she kissed percy goodbye, and he wiped a stray tear off of her face. they said their "i love you"'s and then percy and hazel went into the airport. they boarded their flight and then, just like that, they were on their way.

 

* * *

 

  
their flight landed at about one in the afternoon. percy had slept through the whole flight. hazel tried to, but every time she closed her eyes she saw nico.

  
they checked into their hotel. it was a nice hotel, but neither of them really had the mental space to appreciate it right now. they placed their suitcases down and called officer collins, the one that was the head of this case. they met up at nico's apartment.

  
it felt strange being there. percy felt uncomfortable. he felt like he wad just walked into nico's life and was now at they very center of it.

  
hazel talked to officer collins. percy stayed silent the whole time, eventually leaving them to wander around.  
nico's apartment was slightly bland. he had a single photograph framed,  a picture of an eye. it was nico's eye, the grey and the blue mixing in a way percy thought was almost unrecognizable. percy couldn't believe that the little boy with the mythomagic slept with his landlord. or that he was really gone.

  
there was sort of a comfort to hating nico. it never changed. he was just the same asshole who was mean to the love of his life, and it was easier. now, he didn't know how to feel. he felt guilt for him. it was so unfamiliar to him, this guilt and longing for nico to be alive so he could just go back to hating him.

  
the rest of his apartment contained paintings. they were mostly all black and white, but two weren't. one of a sunset, and one of a sunrise. all of them were singed by nico. percy didn't know that he could paint. but his paint set was righ by his desk.  
hazel eventually came in and said that it was time to leave. percy let one tear fall,  and asked if he could spend the night here. she sighed and let him.  
  


* * *

  
  
percy sat at nico's desk, grabbing a piece of printer paper from the half used package. he grabbed a pen from nico's coffee cup of pen's too and began to write.

  
_dear nico,_

  
_i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. you aren't stupid, or dumb. not at all. you were broken and i was so fucking mean to you and i'm sorry._

  
_i know now. i know that you never meant to hurt annabeth. and i know why you did it. even though i'm still mad at you for acting the way you did, it isn't the same type of anger. it's the type that i'm clinging on to so i don't fall into grief and let you ruin my life._

  
_i wish you were here i can apologize to you in person. i feel like i have a door in my heart that's been broken and flooded and i wish it would stop. i wish i could do this in person._

  
_nico, i forgive you. you weren't wrong. you weren't stupid. and i wish that i would have known. it would've changed everything._

  
_you wouldn't be here, dead, you'd be my friend. we'd hang out like old times, and you would fall in love with some other great guy and you'd get married and i'd go you your wedding and you would go to mine. you deserved better nico, you deserved so much better._

  
_i knew that you cut yourself. not while you were in my life, but piper told me once when she was drunk. you didn't mention it in your letter, but apparently you went to her some times with your troubles. she told me that she hurt annabeth for a good reason, and that you were gay. she left out the part where you loved me, but she cried because of how broken you were. i just thought she was drunk babbling. but no, she was right._

  
_i don't know where you are nico. i hope that your dad found you and you're not in the worst part of hell. i hope you have a better afterlife than you did here. because you deservec better nico, you deserved better._

  
_i'm sorry i beat you, that i yelled at you and called you names. i hope you can forgive me for that eventually._

  
_you deserved a better life nico, and i'm so sorry that i did so much damage. rest easy._

 

  
_\- percy._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry if you wanted a love confession. or annabeth to be a bitch. but that is not how it works. percy feels guilty, and he's sorry. he forgives nico. but he is not, and nor has he ever been in love with him. in this story, percy is straight.
> 
> i'm sorry if this is not what you wanted or what you imagined, but this is how i think my version of percy would have reacted.
> 
> also ps sorry it's late


End file.
